Friday, 2 May 2014

Making Decisions

Sometimes it's the small things that are the most difficult.

I have made some pretty big decisions since Robin died.  The decision to move away from family and my job for example.  But in many ways those things are easier than the small things - like working out the best way to discipline a toddler.  Or what to cook for dinner.  Or even what to wear.

I think I've always struggled a little with these small decisions, but when you were used to having a second opinion on pretty much everything (even if it only made you realise your own idea was best), when that is taken away it leaves you feeling truly lost.  A lot of the time it has meant some things just didn't happen because there was no one to make a decision.  If I hadn't been pregnant, and hadn't had to take care of myself and Sophie I often think I would have not bothered with a lot of things - like eating or getting up even.  But thankfully I did have Sophie and that has helped a huge amount because I have had that reason to live, to eat, to make decisions.

It's not that I can't make decisions - I must have made thousands of the sort where you are actually conscious of deciding since that fateful day in 2005.  What to call my company, which web provider/energy company/phone and broadband package to chose.  Along with what school to apply for, which house to buy, where to go on holiday.  (And the one I haven't had much success with - who to date!).  In all these things I have made my decisions and done my best at that time.  But what I would have given to have that valued second opinion from Robin - to be able to speak to him - not just imagine what he might think.  That is a huge part of what I miss.  A burden shared.  Someone else to share the blame (lets face it) when things don't work out quite as planned! 

It's tough having to be the one that's in charge - the grown up - the boss of my own life.  I know I have family and friends I can talk things through with - and don't get me wrong - their advice and counsel has been very important over the years.  Maybe that has replaced what I had with Robin - mostly.  It's easier to research online these days, and there's usually a mum friend who's been there with any child-related problem I find - but that's not quite the whole story.  I'm not sure it works quite as well unless the person helping make any decision is very close; intimately knows you and what makes you tick.  They need to know all the nuances of your behaviour, signs of stress or excitement or of just needing a hug.  That only comes from a partner I think.  That has been missing in my life for 8 and a half years now.

However, these days I am perhaps getting a little better at making those choices.  I have taught myself to rely on just me again.  Learned to stand alone.  But I don't always get things right and that's why I will look forward to the day when I might again have a trusted special someone there to be my sounding wall and that all important second opinion.

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